Wednesday, March 30, 2005


so i feel i should explain yesterday's cryptic little post.

but to do so, i've got to tell a bit of a story, so bear with me (or bare with me, you decide). maybe a couple months ago (maybe longer), on a drive back from portland, i was listening to 1077 the end (of edginess in radio) to the "local music" show.

they played a song that immediately upon hearing, i knew i was going to need. not just to listen to once in awhile, but it would end up being one of my all-time favorite songs ever.

the song was "velocity" by a band called leuko. well, monday night i had off, and went to rocket records (the south sound's store for local music) and bought leuko's album.

upon waking up yesterday, i listened to "velocity". i had an epiphany. i felt renewed. i felt connected. with everyone. with everything. with the universe.

i sat down and blogged about it. i cried. i pontificated. it was as if i saw not just my life but all life with a new kind of awareness.

i lost the post.

i got mad. i wrote an angry little post about how much it sucked losing my wonderful mind-expanding blog. then i drank coffee and fumed. and listened to "velocity" some more.

then i said, "fuck it. i can write the blog again. it may not be the same, but it will still serve the same purpose. it will get the message out."

so i blogged again. i listened to "velocity" again. i cried again. i felt elated and expanded and centered again.

i lost the post again.

so i decided that apparently my epiphany is meant only for me. that the answers to life, the universe and everything are for me only. sorry, but i guess that's just the way it is.

but i will say this (at the risk of losing yet another post to blogger limbo): you should do everything you can to at least check out the song "velocity" by leuko. or (this last one is where you can purchase the album if you don't live in the greater puget sound area). why? no, you dork, not cause the song gave me some kind of life-changing epiphany (cause lets face it, o beloved reader, i'm pretty happy with my life, and all my epiphany yesterday did was confirm that i'm doing okay doing things just the way i'm doing em right now), but because the song rocks! the music of the verses is disjointed, seemingly unfinished, and leaves you hoping for some kind of closure, like, "get to it already" while the singer softly breathes sad-sounding sentence fragments, and then suddenly the closure is achieved in the chorus as the music bursts into a beautiful, pounding riff and the singer throws his whole being into singing the simple lines of "never could take forever" and "she says 'won't you ever shine?'" but the entire album is excellent. the whole fucking thing. and you should all at least check it out.

and here is my epiphany, in a nutshell (and not carrying the weight or the pure raw emotion that it carried (twice) yesterday): we all shine. in the scope or our small circle, we make a difference. i try to shine in the lives of my children and my wife. i may never be famous. but behind me i will have left people who have felt my presence. just by being myself.

i know, it sounds almost dumb just printed out in those six succinct sentences. but yesterday it was like my mind was wide open to love and laughter and sadness and all these emotions and moments that make us human. that make your life stand out. that make my life stand out.

anyways, i will not be able to recapture what i was feeling, but still wanted to try and convey what you missed.

god, i hope this blog gets posted.

darth sardonic

and no, i will not become a hare krishna or a happy little christian or anything like that just because yesterday a song made me feel connected to the universe. i'm still darth sardonic. i'm still a wise-ass. i still refer to myself as a "whiny crybaby bitch" an hour after the crying has stopped. i'm on the upswing of the emotional rollercoaster, and within a week, i will be in here pissing and moaning as usual, cause i will then be on the low end. that's just how it works, kids.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

a deep aggravation with technology...

wellp, i just wrote a long blog in which i spilled my guts and bled and poured out everything i was feeling this morning, which was all very intense, and lo and behold, due to an internal server error, it is lost (part of me is still hoping i'll log on later and see it there, i hope i hope).

and there is no way i can recapture what i was feeling or get it into the same words i used. so it's lost. any idea how much that pisses me off?

goddammit, i'm half thinking i should just write all this shit in word first then copy it over so if there is some kind of problem with this blog, i'll still have it, raw, with all the emotion it originally had.

anyways, feeling a little disgruntled and annoyed suddenly. just thought i'd throw that out there.


darth sardonic

Friday, March 25, 2005

an implement for good...

okay, let me start by saying that yes, i realize i have not written lately. between being up off and on all night with auraly infected no. 2, and spending five hours a night lost in lakewood (though not so much lost anymore as rushing around trying to get people their pizzas in a timely manner that would ostensibly get me more tips) and cleaning and rushing around to appointments for the kids, i've had to use my spare energy for keeping my eyelids up.

but today i have something i want to share. but before i do, i need to explain two things: first, when i lived in the apartment still, no. 1 bolted on me once. it had been a long night, and at midday both the boys were taking naps, so i laid down to take a nap also, thinking that no. 1 would come in and wake me up when he woke up.

instead i woke up to banging on the door, and looked out the peephole to see no. 1 in his pj's in the arms of a couple ladies that i didn't know personally but had seen around the complex.

you might imagine the course of icy cold possibilities that went shooting through my heart and mind simultaneously upon seeing my child on the wrong side of the door.

second: i was raised in a conservative christian religion. i believe in god, or some sort of supreme force that looks out after us. i feel it watched out over no. 2 during the hospital stay (see the saga of nos. 1 and 2), and i believe it watched over no. 1 on his little field trip while i was napping. in the past several years, i have not attended any church regularly, and i feel that, to quote the mission uk, "i still believe in god, but god no longer believes in me." or to put it more precisely, god still watches over me and mine, and i still try to give him props when i feel his influence in my life, but mostly we leave each other alone.

today started off as an absolutely gorgeous day, and i felt a burning need to put the boys in the stroller and go for a walk as soon as no. 1 got home from school. not a few minutes later, not after lunch, but wham bang after. so i wake no. 2 up (yes he was sleeping) and we start out on our walk. a block into it, we come across a little downs syndrome boy. he's maybe four, wandering happily aimlessly around, without any sign of adult supervision.

"alarm bells are ringing, willy" this is not right. this kid shouldn't be out here like this. i say hi, he says hi. i say "where's your mom?" and get no discernable reply. i say "where's your house?" and he points in the opposite direction. so we head that way. but he changes his mind, and wants to walk some other way. by dumb luck, (or more like divine intervention) we end up back by my house, and i run in to grab the cell phone.

we're still wandering, and now i am shite-sure that this kid has bolted, that his parents have no fucking clue where he is, and that he hasn't the foggiest where his house is. so i call my wife, and have her call the police on base. i'm trying to keep close tabs on claude rains, cause he is crossing streets with complete disregard for crosswalks or potential traffic. it occurs to me that i would leave my own children on the sidewalk and risk life and limb to remove this child from the path of oncoming traffic. the funny thing is that this realization is not in the slightest odd to me.

i hear someone call a name, and turn around. this is his mom, without a doubt. how do i know? cause her face looks like my face felt when i saw no. 1 in the arms of strange ladies through my peephole when i was convinced he was in bed. she says "his dad forgot to latch the door" and i nod knowingly. lady, believe me, i know every fucking thing you are experiencing right now, and it's not even like you have to explain it to me.

so houdini gets home safely, and his distraught parents can smoke a cig or drink a shot or offer prayers of thanksgiving or whatever they do to destress. i continue my walk (after calling my wife and telling her not to call the cops). and i feel, suddenly, compelled to offer my own prayer of thanks. thanks to god that he could use me to help some family as he has helped mine. thanks that i'm wrong when i say "god no longer believes in me". oh, he believes in me alright, and apparently our lines of communication are not as clogged as i had previously thought.

no, i'm not going to rush out and take communion, or light candles, or reread the bible at a gulp, or find some local gospel choir to join. but it's nice to know that the line is still there. that god is like a good dad who is letting me do my own thing and only stepping in when i really need the help. and that he's proud of me when i do something deserving.

so there are three points to this story, i think: 1) don't judge. it might've been easy for me to think of these parents as shitty parents if the same thing had not occured to me. we're just human. we're not superman, and occasionally things happen to even the best of parents. but on the flipside, i don't look like your average good samaritan. shit, for that matter i don't really usually act like a good samaritan. god sends help from all sides, and sometimes, to test us, he uses someone we would normally look down our noses at. you don't have to be evangelical or pentecostal to be moral, and do good works among those with whom you come in contact.

2) be open to the influence of the divine, heavenly, good, moral or whatever word best represents your own personal beliefs of how things work universally. like the bumper sticker says, "do random acts of kindness".

and 3) well, okay, maybe it was only two points. i don't know. whatever. it is also important to note here that i am not trying to convince anyone to accept god, or religion, or whatever. i am also not trying to set myself up as some glowing example of goodness. if you have read any of my other posts, then you know that that is a load of shit. i am just a guy trying to do the right thing, and mostly fucking it up. i also didn't intend to be preachy, though i am sure that's exactly how i sound. sorry, just trying to share a personal experience, and what i think i gained from it. if i could get preachy with anyone as a result of this experience, it would be the christian fundamentalists who like to look down their noses at parents like myself, cause it may be your kid i help out next.

and, as always, i have waxed lyrical to an overabundant extent, so i will sign off.

darth sardonic

Saturday, March 19, 2005

a book review...

alright, i don't really do book reviews (actually, i don't really do movie reviews either, i just have so little sometimes to talk about. but then i feel guilty, cause hey, i feel like this is some kind of agreement or commitment betwixt you, the reader, however nonexistant you may actually be, and myself, the (so-called) writer. the word you are searching for is "anywaaaaaaaaayz")

i just finished this astounding book called kafka on the shore, by haruki murakami (i think he's from ireland. ha ha. okay, i'm just fucking with ya, the book was translated from japanese. i used to do that with a dentist i used to work with. his name was salvatore cutino. i used to say, "huh, wonder if that's italian." giovanni ribisi, "gee, wonder if that's italian." he used to make a joke about the "michigan mafia" followed by the statement, "my cousin guido is gonna pay you a visit." man, we had some fun times. again, anywaaaaaaaaayz)

i have long held the belief that to asians, the mood or feel of a scene is just as important (sometimes more so) as the action. this book only further confirms this. the pages drip with mood and ambience, but what's funny is it's not like i can actually pinpoint how he conveyed this mood.

the story seems, at the beginning at least, to be two stories. one seems very grounded in reality, and the other seems only to be lightly tied to reality by a flimsy thread. the beautiful thing is watching these two seemingly disparate stories become one. this is definitely a very existential, surreal story, and has an the same underlying element of style that makes me like david lynch movies and salvadore dali paintings. the difference is lynch and dali wear it on their sleeve, murakami cleverly weaves it in with strands of normalcy.

it's almost like a mystery of sorts, the biggest running question being, "how does this tie in to that?" but always with the warping of space and time, and the distortions of what is considered normal. possibly the funniest, and most beautiful thing about the story is that when something strange happens, most of the characters treat it as if it is an everyday occurance, or, at best, not something that should be given more than a passing glance.

well-crafted characters, who all harbor odd experiences or beliefs, or secrets of some kind, that you feel connected to almost as soon as they enter the narrative, weave their way through the various subplots in a way that feels entirely real, even though one is talking to cats, or taking up residence in a town of ghosts or souls or lost beings that is buried in a valley in the mountains.

this book is not the kind that will be on the new york times best-seller list, probably. it's not the kind of book your library will have prominently displayed, (i myself would have passed it over at my own local library if "kafka" hadn't been in the title and peaked my interest.), but i feel you should track it down and read it.

anyways, i have thrust my unsolicited opinions onto you, the nonexistant reader, more than sufficiently for one day.

hopefully i will have something fun to talk about soon.

in othe news, i have lost some weight, and now my pants all fit too loose (oh, damn. gotta hate it when that happens. gonna have to buy new pants.). no. 2 has had so many ear infections recently that they have decided to put tubes in his ears, and we agree. as a result, we will have to push back a trip to new mexico that we have been planning for over a year, but hey, my kid's ears and overall health and well-being are more important than when exactly we go to new mexico.

and that's all i have to say bout that.

darth sardonic

Monday, March 14, 2005

inspirational thoughts

hey, it's me we're talking about, right? so of course we all know that the title is a big load of shit.

some things i would like to see on those posters they have hanging around offices and work spaces:

"every silver lining has a dark cloud"

"when life gives you lemons, ask it for sugar and water so you can make lemonade."


"when life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into your eyes and tender areas of your body."

how bout this one?

"the majority is always right, they nailed christ to a 2x4."

and no, that last one is not an antisemitic statement. i believe that if christ were born here in the usa, we'd give him the chair in texas. it's a statement about people who blindly follow leadership, in this case both religious and political.

in other news, micheal jackson is a freak. and it has nothing to do with whether or not he is a child molester. in related news, i think the media should not be allowed to cover court cases of any kind. how the hell is micheal sposed to be honestly found guilty or innocent if they are fucking inundating us with his shit all the time?!?

and finally, i knew i liked death cab for cutie. they had a small interview with their drummer (i think, one of the band members anyway) in spin magazine (yes, i recieve spin. yes, i promise to kick my own ass promptly after posting this blog.), and cited codiene's frigid stars lp as one of his all-time favorite albums. i'm telling you guys, find that album. rush out and buy it. if you can't find it, let me know, i will burn you a copy. it's the best little album no one's ever heard of.

and yes, i know i am a loser. i used to have a t-shirt stating just that. which reminds me, i need to get down to the sub-pop megastore and pick up a new loser t-shirt, and see if codiene's got anything new out.

signing off,

darth sardonic

Sunday, March 13, 2005

more random stuff from the recesses of my mind

there is this commercial for verizon, or cingular, or who-the-fuck-knows, where this dad asks his teenage daughter if jenny is coming over and she makes the universal-phone gesture with her hand and pretends to have a conversation with jenny.

the point being: "i don't have a cell phone, what a loser i am."

but here's the thing, they are in the house when she pulls this stunt. i would say, "don't make me come over there and knock yer face off yer damn head. there's a fucking phone right there!!" and point to the land line.

it's a sad fucking world when it would be considered good marketing to present this girl as needing a cell phone to call her fucking friend jenny when there's probably a fucking phone two fucking feet away. soon, the ad agencies of madison ave will be convincing teenagers that their rooms need to be more like 1000-square-foot apartments, complete with fridge, dishwasher, and laundry facilities (not that they will actually do any laundry, they just want it to be equipped.)

then parents wonder why their teenagers never talk to them, and seem distant, and blah fucking blah. i'm scared for the day nos. 1 and 2 are teenagers. i sure hope i'm one to the task.

and thank god for my wife, who will get on the floor and wrestle around with the boys, and play with them and such (and at nine in the morning too, jesus christ on a unicycle!!), cause i have come to the conclusion that i am just not that guy. my wife is sweet, she tries to make excuses for me like i'm tired all the time, or i get touched out, but the simple fact is, i'm not much of a wrestle-around-on-the-floor guy. i publicly apologize to my kids for this, and believe me, i feel real bad. i touch my kids all the time, hugs, kisses, rubbing their head. i'm not afraid of physical contact, just never been much into physical play, i guess.

however, no. 1 has recently entered the action-figure phase, which is stunningly cool, cause i basically never left the action-figure phase. so yesterday, we were on the floor playing with some lame gi joe knockoffs and bombing each other and shooting each other.

at some point, no. 1 decided that it was just easier to put the weapons in his hands and make "pew pew" sounds, rather than actually using the figures.

men seem hard-wired to destroy each other, while women seem hard-wired to nurture and care for each other. and yet we try to pretend that it's not a matriarchal society. you know what, we're off killing each other and the women are taking care of our wounded selves and each other, let's see who's really running the show here. men are so fucking stupid some times.

anyways, just more random stuff rattling around in my head like peas in an empty oil tanker.

darth sardonic

Monday, March 07, 2005

shit we can't live without that we don't need

hi-def hi-res high speed buns of steel yokohama tires 52" plasma 16-speaker surround sound liposuction bigger breasts low-rise high-top abs gps pda hoodie chop top video phone four-hour erection high performance high octane hybrid megabyte megapixel flatscreen dual-quad low-emission low carb low maintenance wrinkle-free no-rub no-iron ready-to-eat ready-to-wear digital hemi flat front prewashed pretorn guilt-free bagless fun in the sun new and improved bigger better faster more more more more more...

i mean, these are all nice things, but people managed without them before. i'm sure tyler durden would agree with me.

darth sardonic

Thursday, March 03, 2005

songs that saved my ass...

i'm in a mood today, and it's reminding me of all the songs i loved listening to when i wished i was dead, because they originally matched my mood, and then would slowly drag me out of it and make me realize how fucking stupid anything that would make me wish i was dead really is.

joy division-new dawn fades--this is a great song for when you're pissy, follow it up with atmosphere and you're home free.

bauhaus-crowds--great line when peter murphy sings "you worthless bitch, you fickle shit" always makes me begin to feel better.

skinny puppy-smothered hope--turn all the lights in your room off, lay on the bed, stare at the dark ceiling, but don't linger too long, and follow it up with something a little more positive.

the smiths-unloveable--i used to relate to this song beyond my own ability to comprehend. i no longer feel unloveable, but still think the line "i know that you would like me... if only you would meet me" is bad ass.

the bolshoi-giants--different style of music from skinny puppy, but similar thing to smothered hope, lights off, bed, dark ceiling, follow up with something with a little more bounce.

depeche mode-but not tonight--"my eyes have been so red/i've been mistaken for dead/but not tonight" only happy song on all of "black celebration", and in my humble opinion, one of their all-time best.

ministry-so what--i'm all for beating your demons right out of your body. better to be bruised and sore than dead. play the live version from in case you didn't feel like showing up, bounce yourself off your bedroom walls for eleven minutes, and when it's all over, you'll be too tired to be upset.

the sisters of mercy-marian (version)--a nice mellow-yet-sad one to listen to while you catch your breath from so what.

the jesus and mary chain-darklands--this one appeals to my sick sense of humor. poppy up-beat tune coupled with dark lyrics about laying down by the river of disease and dying. great!

therapy?-screamager--ready to bounce off the walls again? i promise, it's only for two-and-a-half minutes this time.

ben folds five-brick--"she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly" this song came out around the same time my first marriage (my wife and i call it the "practice marriage") was going into the shitter.

blink 182-dammit--same time as brick. another leap-around-and-beat-the-hell-out-of-yourself song.

codiene-barely real--if i'm in the right mood, the chorus makes me cry, and we all know crying is a good outlet for me. "all i want to feel/that i'm barely real/i feel like string/i feel like nothing"

the cure-letters for elise--almost anything by the cure really. cept friday i'm in love.

system of a down-the metro--leave it to these crazy bastards to take a dark new wave anti-love song and turn it into a numetal anger-fest. and extra points for changing "i hate myself for loving you" to "fuck you for loving me" beat the hell out of yourself, kids. bruises and cuts, even torn ligaments and broken bones heal, death is forever.

einsturzende neubauten-alles--who the fuck knows what this song is about really? doesn't matter, a soft, simple melody, with bar stock being tossed around in the background and the occasional screech of a disc grinder. plus blixa's voice is very soothing. heaven is of honey runs a close second here. just a simple bassline, and again, blixa's relaxing voice.

i'm sure there's more, but i'm more or less out of the mood now, and must go shower and shave so that i can spend four hours lost in lakewood. the important thing here kids, is this: yes, we get down, life kicks our asses (or as skinny puppy put it, "all of life's mistakes kicking me in the face"), but when you start thinking maybe it would be better if a chunk of sputnik fell on you, and how much happier people would be if you were gone, then think how much it will piss them off if your still being a pain in their ass tomorrow. heh heh. then put on your best evil grin, listen to your favorite this-moment-in-time-sucks-but-i'm-gonna-kick-some-ass tunes in the stereo, and start planning how your going to make them all pay one day!

cause really, this is all one big sick joke in the long run. and it shouldn't always be being played on you.

darth sardonic

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

more unsolicited movie reviews...

okay, first off, it is absolutely fucking gorgeous outside today, so me and the kids hopped in their stroller (well, really, they hopped in, i kinda hopped behind with forward impetus), and we did the three-mile trek to the library. man, that feels good. i also got considerably less sleep last night than i should've, but am currently in the "everything's hunky dorey" phase of sleep deprivation. tomorrow or the next day, i will be in the "woe is me, everything sucks!" phase. hopefully not, but this is usually how these things work, o my brothers.

but for now, i am riding high on the emotional rollercoaster.

now, down to the reviews. the wife picked out a japanese movie called in the realm of the senses. this movie is an obsessive lust story that has never been shown in japan because it's never passed the censors. it is based on a true story. complete with lots of nudity, some actual insertion (actually, more even than caligula), and some just truly bizarre scenes. the verdict: it wasn't horrible, but not really good either. when it was over, i told the wife she couldn't give me a hard time about having picked out caligula anymore. she sniveled something about "it sounded good in the reviews" or some such thing. i give it two limp penises.

last night i watched garden state. i'm not even sure why, nor can i place my finger on what it is, but this movie was fucking brilliant. a very well-done movie by the goofy kid from scrubs. i think it was the dynamic betwixt the different characters. and it felt real. scrubs-kid comes home from la, and hangs out with his friends, who still smoke pot, laze around, and chase tail. i thought, "shit, his friends are my friends." plus scrubs-kid's character is a character in transition, who is finally taking hold of his life, who isn't going to take it anymore. incredibly well-written, well-acted, with that weird feel that i love about these kinds of movies. watch it. if it is the last thing you do. if you have a sense of humor, a family that isn't related to the cleavers, and a pulse, you've got to see this one. 7 thumbs way up. (i'm hoping that history will show that i am the only person in history to have given a movie 7 thumbs up!!)

and finally, the notebook. someone from work told my wife to rent this one. we didn't want to see it cause the previews made it look like a predictable, and probably mostly sappy, love story. but we rented it, and it was predictable. occasionally, but not always, sappy. then at the end it threw us a fucking curveball that turned our eyes to salt water and made our noses leak. some sort of vibrations that the movie emitted. i don't completely understand. i'm not even sure i can recommend it, cause i really liked it, but it is still a mostly sappy and fairly predictable movie. if you are in love with someone with the kind of love that is going to last forever, and you want to bawl your eyes out, rent it. if not, or movies like fried green tomatoes, bridges of madison county, and the forrest/jenny subplot of forrest gump make you want to puke, gouge your eyes out, or both, give it a miss. i give it two indecisions up.

now i gotta go shave and shower and do a little picking up around this pigsty before i must go spend four hours lost in lakewood, so i'll leave all of you to it.

darth sardonic