razorblade security blanket

I gather the sharp shattered bits of my life, broken like a mirror, about me like a blanket of thistles and glass shards. I cuddle up close in it, wrap it tight around me, the nicks and nips of the sharp edges the facsimile of a life I once knew but had cast aside for the shiny plastic existence I was offered.
I take my blanket of self-doubt and self-loathing with me to the beach. In the dark of the late night the ocean is a hungry mouth that wishes to feed on the leftovers of the me that once was. I smile.
I can swim out until my arms give out or the sharks eat me. Considering the lateness of the hour and the day of the week and the lack of interest in what part of my life is falling to pieces on the tile of my tiny dirty apartment, it will be two days before anyone notices I am gone. The idea of already being gone before anyone would even notice the departure makes me smile further.
I walk to the lapping ravenous waves. My toes are ice-cold in the bite of the water. I look up at the sky with  bitter blood-red tears, swallow up the stars in the onrush of the surf of my sobbing, laugh in a gulp.
And turn to walk home.

fine time

I hope my boys can find it in their hearts to forgive me my failings as a person, and as a father.

I've never had to knock on wood

But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if i could

right now, i have two very close friends who are going through some very tough times. (if you are reading this, you know who you are)

these kinds of situations always make me feel useless.

i wish i could do more. despite shit i say here to the contrary, overall i have been pretty lucky and have always managed to tough through the hard times with a grin (well, ok, my trademark smartass smirk) on my face, and when my loved ones find themselves in a bind, i always wish there was more i could do to make them feel better.

and sometimes, you just can't.

and that aggravates the fuck out of me.

and that is where i am today, o my beloved non-existant readers. frustrated, aggravated, a little upset, worried, and feeling like my hands are tied.

and then, on the flip side, sparx has given me an award, blog that makes me smile, and this is something that i have been blessed with, the ability to make people smile. it is my gift, and i love making people smile and laugh, so thank you so much, sparx. this also applies, in an oddly connected way to my current situation: i can make people smile. it is something i do. and that helps. that may be the only way help my two friends need.

i hope it is enough.

worthy recipients of this award: archenar, who has been making me smile for quite some time and has recently returned to posting regular in her english blog again, the newcomer blogget jones, who cracks me up with her new fella stuff, i would like to regift the sender, sparx, because i laughed uproariously at the very first post i read of hers, and commented, and as a result, found myself with a whole new readership, krissie, because even the way she deals with the day to day is real and humorous, and queeny, because so much of what we deal with is so similar, and again, the writing of it is rife with humor.

thanks, i hope to have something more enjoyable to post here, and if you would all join with me in sending positive energy (and laughs, o my droogs and only friends, sometimes humor is all we have to get us through--and they can never take that away) to my two friends who are in need at this time, i would appreciate that so much.

darth sardonic