if i made a movie
if i made a movie, it would star steve buscemi, luis guzman, and joe pants as the lead guy roles. these guys get supporting roles up the yin yan, but i never see them in lead roles, and i think it's about fucking time. it would star heather graham, gwen stefani, and kate beckinsale as their girlfriends. these girls all appear on my "top 5 list", and most definitely would need to be in my movie(lets face it, making this movie and trying to get these ladies to be in it would be the only chance i would have of being in the same room with them, let alone get the opportunity to proposition one of them. and lets face it, i wouldn't probably have sex with any of them even then!!). kate beckinsale is only a "flavor-of-the-week" on my top 5, but she needs to be in a movie that doesn't include vampires and werewolves.
instead of blowing up houses and wrecking cars, every scene of major destruction would be replaced by a dialogue bit that would read: "in the next scene, there would've have been a three car pile-up involving a crown vic police car, a 66 ford mustang, and a 93 volvo wagon. these vehicles, rather than be destroyed, have been donated to the richmond family, of tallahassee, fl, the jackson family, of cincinatti, oh, and the kowalski family, of mobile, al, respectively."
at one point, it will appear that we have lost one of the main good guys in a fire or a freak accident, but you think he may still be alive to appear in the end of the movie and save the day, but sadly, he will actually be dead, and unable to help out his pals in their moment of need.
consequently, the bad guys will win. the good guys will have five minutes to save the day, but because they lost their comrade earlier, it will take them 6 to do whatever it was that needed to be done, and will lose. sorry, just trying to make it like real life.
OR: good can win, but so much horrible shit will befall the good guys, and that they will subsequently have to overcome, that you will feel utterly drained when they finally difuse the nuke or whatever. i.e., guzman will lose an arm and an eye. both buscemi's legs will be broken, and he will suffer a concussion. joe pants is dead. and he was the one with the pliars, so guzman will have to chew through the red wire to the bomb with his teeth! now, wouldn't you agree, maybe we were better off with evil winning?
and finally, somewhere in there, i want one of those "post-party-clean-up-as-the-parents-are-coming-home" scenes. you will see the parents pull into the drive. buscemi says, "shit, man!" this is followed by montage: mom gets out of car. shot of pants pouring cement to fix broken sidewalk and cracked foundation. dad straightens tie as he undoes seatbelt. guzman is rapidly washing mt. everest pile of dishes, all of which are growing penicillin. guzman is wearing dewrag and frilly apron. dad takes mom's hand as they start up walkway. buscemi is at car dealership negotiating replacement of dad's one-of-a-kind, pristine car. they have one that is an exact match. close-up of dad's hand on doorknob. buscemi, guzman, and pants leaping onto couch and grabbing video game controls. door opens, and buscemi says to parents as they enter door, "what took you so long, man?"
now i've really gotta run, i've gotta do my own little parody of the above paragraph before my wife gets home, cause i want the house to gleam, and i want to be in my chair with a book, looking like that's all i've been doing all day.
oh, and if they'll let me, the movie will be titled, "fustercluck", or maybe just "fuster", or, if not, "letters from the inner circle of hell", or maybe "fuzzy bunny larks about in the happy woods", i'm not sure.